Super Star Wars: Giving Me Ulcers Since Age 5 Part 1

Star Wars. What little kid didn't love Star Wars in their youth? Douchebags, that's who. I think there was something in these classic movies that any kid could enjoy. Luke's evolution into a true hero, Han Solo being a badass, the dark presence of Darth Vader, a gay robot. Good stuff. Of course this was before the prequel trilogy, back in a much simpler time. Don't get me wrong, I kind of like the prequel movies. Well, I thought Phantom Menace sucked ass. And Clone Wars was kind of boring, but I did enjoy Revenge of the Sith. Hayden Christiansen is such a comically wooden actor that he can't help but be endearing.

But anyway, enough of that. There were a few Star Wars games made in the 80's, but I didn't play any of them because they probably blew anyway. The very first Star Wars game I ever played, or got the chance to play, was Super Star Wars for the SNES, and of course that's what we're going to be talking about. This series has become almost legendary amongst fans of video gaming as being one of the hardest series ever. Yes, ever. Is it really that bad?

Well, let's fire this bad boy up. The first thing I notice is the great presentation. Great music, really comparative to the movie score. This is probably the best the SNES can do in trying to replicate the opening scene of the film, and it's really good, I think. There are stills throughout the game that tell the story rather sparsely, but it's better than nothing. And hey, the dialogue's better than the prequel films.

Well, here I am. Luke and a blaster on Tattooine. Much like Link from Legend of Zelda, Luke Skywalker must feast on the hearts of his fallen opponents in order to sustain his own health. Now, I think this is where the difficulty kicks in on this level, if you stay in the same spot for too long you're fucked. These enemies just keep respawning, so you just have to constantly be on the move. There you go, get that blaster upgrade.

The Sarlaac pit monster? Well, it obviously wasn't in the first movie but oh well, something had to be the boss. This doesn't even really look like the giant vagina from Return of the Jedi, but it's pretty easy to beat when you figure its pattern out.

Oh, boy! It's a Mode 7 stage! Actually, this is pretty fun. This Super Star Wars series actually makes some of the best use of the Mode 7 capabilities, and they're fun little diversions. It's pretty easy and straightforward, you just have to go forward blasting a select number of Jawas straight to hell and head towards the Sand Crawler. What I like though is how the simple Iittle hunk of shit speeder Luke used in the movie is now a weapon equipped, ass blasting, jetpack flying bat out of hell.

The next level is the Jawa's Sandcrawler. This level's interesting, as it actually reveals a plot twist I guess was cut out of the movie. As you can see, Luke's here at the Jawa's sandcrawler, slaughtering them mercilessly. Yes, Luke was the fucker responsible for killing all those Jawas he and Obi-Wan find, and he probably blasted Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen to holy hell too. Little 30 year old bastard. In all seriousness, I think this is the level that'll first begin to show you how flawed the controls can be. Jumping's a bitch, and you'll sometimes pass clear through something or overshoot something unintentionally just because of the shitty double jump method. They thankfully fixed it for the sequels, but it's so weird here. Now I'm in the sandcrawler and about to fight the boss and... fuck. If you're not dead on perfect with these jumps getting to this boss, kiss your ass goodbye. Ugh.

It's not until you reach the Cantina that you can change characters, and that character in question is good ol' Chewie. Honestly, who wouldn't want to switch here? Chewie roars through the Cantina, owning everything that dares to oppose him. His crouching shooting sprite looks like he's blasting shit out of his crotch, too.

The very next level you can choose to play as Han Solo. He's probably the worst character in the game in terms of speed and intangibles, but of course you're going to play as him, he's fucking Han Solo.

Finally, you fuck off of Tattooine and then it's straight to the Death Star. These levels are pretty fun, but harder than Larry Craig waiting outside a busy men's bathroom. I bet you're expecting to take part in or at least witness Obi Wan's duel with Darth Vader right? Too fucking bad, it happens in a cutscene, and you're off.

Finally, the last two stages are badass. In the first, you fly atop the perimeter of the Death Star in a Mode 7 level, blowing up tie fighters and random towers. The very last level is an amazing first person X-Wing cockpit perspective as you, as Luke, fly through the Death Star trenches, shooting tie fighters, before hitting the shoulder buttons at an approximate time to launch missiles into the Death Star, blow it up, and kill millions of people just doing their job. You're then awarded with a medal, cold hearted murderer that you are, in a ceremony mimicking the one at the end of A New Hope.

Tune in tomorrow as I take a look at THE hardest game not only of the trilogy, but the hardest game I have ever played, The Empire Strikes Back. That'll be followed on Friday by Return of the Jedi.

May the force by in you. So bad.