THE RISE AND FALL OF ACCLAIM (OR HOW I LEARNED TO BE GROSSLY DISAPPOINTED)

Let me take you back in the past. The year is 1965, the middle of the swinging sixties. Disco has yet to kick in, hippies rule more than just colleges, and America is at war. What the fuck does this have to do with this piece? Damned if I know.

In 1992, a little game came out called WWF Super WrestleMania for the Genesis and Super Nintendo. You can read my review of that game here, on this... "very" blog. But before I do, I -- DAMMIT, FINLAY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Anyway, SM wasn't the first WWF game Acclaim put out. Before that, they released WWF WrestleMania for the NES, a game that still haunts my nightmares. The animation in WWF WrestleMania was so hilarious, it looked like all the wrestlers were aimlessly galomping about looking for a lost contact lense. With Super WrestleMania, Acclaim actually progressed into making something that felt like 'wrestling', though they still continued to release shitty games on the NES.

WWF Royal Rumble was released in 1993, and WWF Raw in 1994. That's three games in three years, though they're all basically the same fucking game anyway. Not that I cared at the time; the 16 bit WWF games were good to me. Lo, for I enjoyed paralyzing opponents with the Razor's Edge! For I took delight in making opponents squeal at the pain the Sharpshooter inflicted! How I discovered glee in delivering Papa Shango's Shoulderbr -- wait, no I fucking didn't. Why was Papa Shango in every god damn Sega version of the WWF games? I doubt he had any semblance of a fanbase clamoring for his inclusion, and if he did, may god have mercy on their souls.

Back then, the only thing we could hope for in a wrestling game was the inclusion of our favorites. I don't think any of me or our friends expected different gameplay; we had no exposure, understandably, to the Fire Pro series, so the 16 bit Acclaim engine was all we knew. And that was fine, because we had fun. I somehow convinced my mom to let me get the Genesis and SNES versions of both Super WrestleMania and Royal Rumble, just so I could be exposed to the different rosters each provided. The Genesis Rumble had the Hulkster himself, while the SNES version had th'Nature Boy. The SNES SM enjoyed the company of the Deadman, whereas the Genesis installment provided the Ultimate Warrior! Heaven I was in! I only got WWF Raw for the SNES, since the roster was the same for both versions, and the SNES had crisper graphics. Aye; an astute gamer I was, nay back then!

It can be said that Super WrestleMania feels like a 'beta' for the other two games. It was definately better than the shit we had before it, but it still wasn't that great. WWF Royal Rumble and Raw are basically the same games; same graphical style, same gameplay, only Raw added more moves. Raw, despite being the most advanced of the series, was probably my least favorite, simply because of its roster. The only new characters added from Royal Rumble were Diesel, Doink the Clown, Luna, Bam Bam Bigelow, the 1-2-3 Kid, and Owen Hart. Oh yeah, and Kwang was a hidden character on the Sega 32X version of the game, now there's a fucking treat. Plus, say goodbye to Hogan, Flair, and Ted DiBiase. I know they were gone from the WWF by that time, but they took a lot of starpower with them. Why the fuck would I want to play as Luna? There's no other women to fight, what's the point in her? Why not add someone more worthwhile to the roster from 1994 WWF in her place, like Damien Demento?

In short, the 16 bit WWF games kept my friends and I entertained. Most of our favorites were present, the button mashing action was fun, and we had no idea much better Japanese wrestling games existed.

I'll skip Acclaim's arcade games. WWF WrestleMania: The Arcade Game was a blast, and I own it for SNES and PlayStation, but none of my friends ever gave a shit about it. In Your House was a bigger flop than the World Bodybuilding Federation, and even the attraction of Goldust turning people into shitty gold couldn't save it. No, indeed, by 1996, we were looking for bigger and better things.

Enter Aki, or as annoying internet wrestling fans refer to them, Jesus. In 1996 they produced WCW vs the World for the PlayStation, and the following year WCW vs nWo World Tour for the N64. Talk about orgasmic heaven for a ten year old, realistic 3D grapplin'? Sign me up, dudes! Oh, wait, it's WCW? Oh... oh well. Actually, I liked WCW at the time a lot, like most kids I knew. Being able to play as a three dimensional Hollywood Hulk Hogan that didn't really look like Hollywood Hulk Hogan outside of what he was wearing was a one of a kind, never to be duplicated experience, because it was the first time we all got a chance to play a 3D wrestling game. I just wished that a WWF game wouldn't be far behind and, like a double edged sword shoved up the ass of life, I got my wish.

Acclaim published WWF War Zone in 1998, and the first time I played it, it was amazing. The wrestlers looked so great, they had entrances (in the single player mode, at least), and you could actually create a wrestler. However, not all was well and good, as seeds were planted for future nightmares. Alright, they decided to use a fighting game engine. That's different, I bet they tweaked it for a wrestling game, right? No, faggot, you better be prepared to either memorize 5 press button combinations or keep your finger on the start button ready to go to the movelist. That's not too bad, I'll learn with time, they have cool moves, right? Well yeah, even their special moves! Well how do I do them? What the fuck, where are they?

Not in the game, god dammit. You either had to have internet access or buy the shitty strategy guide in order to see how to do everyone's finishing move. And since my stints on the internet at the time were briefer than Lindsay Lohan's stints in rehab, I couldn't get the damn things, so my matches ended gloriously anticlimactically with samoan drops and inverted atomic drops.

Fast forward to one year later, the summer of 1999. WWF Attitude looming on the horizon; my Holy Grail. My friends all had Revenge for N64, an amazing game that I wish I had but wouldn't get for more than two years later. But that's okay, when Attitude comes out it'll rape Revenge and leave me with the ultimate in wrestling gaming. I still had limited internet, so I had no clue when the game was coming out. The release date apparently changed every 5 minutes, and everytime my mom would go out she'd come back empty handed and with bad news. Still, I held my pants shittingly gleeful anticipation for the game, further fed by great looking magazine previews. Finally, the day arrived. One peaceful afternoon at home, when I wasn't expecting a thing, my mother returned with my ultimate conquest.

If there is a paradise, I was in it all that afternoon. And looking back, I don't know what the fuck was wrong with me. Probably too high on the drug known as Val Venis, I overlooked the fact that it was the same fucking game, only slower and riddled with more problems. But the entrances kicked ass, everyone had 4 attires, create mode was better, and Steve Austin walked like he shit his pants. The rest of that magical summer, I spent almost all my time with Attitude, a season I wish I had back.

Little did I know at the time, Attitude would be the last of Acclaim's WWF endeavors. When I saw previews for WrestleMania 2000, to be developed by Aki, I just about shat my pants in a body shaking wave of glee. Acclaim was now gone, and in stepped THQ. Acclaim would never hold me captive again... or would they?

No, they wouldn't. I never cared about ECW, but I had nothing to do on Friday nights and it was wrestling, so I'd sometimes tune into it on TNN. I'd also read about it in my wrestling magazines, so I was vaguely familiar, and when Acclaim released ECW Hardcore Revolution I thought I'd give it a try. The fact that my mom bought it brand new for $15 should have told me something, but upon starting it up for the first time, the first thing that came to mind was it's fucking Attitude with modded wrestler skins. Seriously, it is. Take what little charm Attitude had, throw in a bunch of wrestlers you've never heard of, and imagine Joey Styles screaming "HURIN-CON-RANA!" 25 times a match and you have Hardcore Revolution. I maybe have played 10 matches total in Hardcore Revolution, and I feel bad that I wanted it in the first place. I never contemplated buying its sequel, Anarchy Rulz, because it looked like the same fucking game again, only with the presence of Dusty Rhodes. When ECW finally went out of business, I felt bad for a minute, then thought "Thank Christ, no more Acclaim wrestling games!" How wrong I was.

Legends of Wrestling. When you hear that term, you think of Hogan slamming Andre, Flair tussling with Steamboat, maybe even Bruno Sammartino getting it on with Ivan Koloff. Someone at Acclaim apparently thought of Sabu being assaulted by the Von Erich brothers no one gives a shit about, and the result is Legends of Wrestling. I'm kidding, I actually liked the Legends of Wrestling roster. But the gameplay; Jesus Christ, the gameplay. More complicated than rocket science, the gameplay is the same old Acclaim engine, only needlessly complicated. There aren't any fighting game style button combos, thankfully, but in its wake is a grappling system so shitty I prefer the one in Attitude. No, seriously. I guess it's all based on timing and you'll eventually get the hang of it, but nothing says great match than unintentionally putting your opponent between your legs and getting backdropped out ten times in a row. It's fun playing as some of the legends, but when the game sucks this much, it's not really worth it. I wish I could say the sequel was better, but I'd be lying. Thankfully I got LOW 2 for free; if I spent money on it, suicide may have been the only remedy. It's more 'decent' than the first, but the gameplay is so awkward, jerky, and robotic, it looks like I'm watching Attack of the Clones' dialogue in physical form.

I never got the third and last Legends of Wrestling. I admit, it looks awfully tempting, merely due to the inclusion of Macho Man, Ultimate Warrior, and Sting, but if I ever got it I know it'd be one of those "I told you so, you fuck" moments.

Acclaim went bankrupt in 2004. Thanks for the 1990's memories, but burn in hell.