Gym Class: Psychological Torture

Do you like gym class? Yeah? Well get the fuck off this site, you must be a douchebag and would rather be out performing seizure-like dance moves at some shitty nightclub anyway. Gym class is fucking awful for any kid who doesn't say "bro" in every other sentence, and why everyone has to be subjected to it is beyond my reasoning.

Even in elementary school, it was nothing to take lightly. Sure, back then we didn't have to 'change' for gym, and the class was relatively short, but the humiliation, it was all still there. Hey, let's make kids go through an obnoxious obstacle course that even an Olympic gymnast couldn't navigate easily as the entire class watches. Better yet, let's make these kids squaredance, that won't be awkward. It sure was a high point of my day to walk down to the gymnasium, swing open the door, and see my obvious lesbian teacher standing there with her whistle ready to blow. With her permed hair and wardrobe of sweats in all the popular 90's colors, particularly purple, I know that bitch took glee in putting me through hell.

But escaping to middle school, would that help? No, I had to get prepared for the worst fucking gym years of my life. Now thrust into an environment where I had to change in front of others, gym took a horrible turn for the worse. Before I move on, though, why the fuck are there always showers in gym locker rooms? Does anyone actually use them during gym class? I've only seen them used in 80's teen movies, not once has a classmate ever said "Hold on, I'm gonna go shower before class." It's not like there's even enough time to. And if you do, you must have balls of fucking steel, getting nude in an open public environment.

I'm not sure how many other schools did this, but starting in middle school, all my gym classes would be three separate classes going on at once, meaning the risk of humiliation was multiplied by three. It pissed me off how we always had to do these retarded games that the gym teachers thought would be fun, like 'crab soccer' and 'ghost.' Holy tits, whatever happened to simple sports? Everytime gym class is depicted in some sort of media, it's some organized event with kids all wearing short shorts and t-shirts with the school logo, running a track, playing basketball, or climbing a rope. Not real life, instead everything's an unorganized mess of doing whatever the hell the teachers dream up that morning and thrusting the kids into it.

What really pissed me off about it was how all the popular kids would get so fucking into it, as if any of it mattered. Being yelled at for not giving a shit about the game at hand by Tony Guido in the midst of the most important part of his day was a real treat. Better yet, I would literally fear when a gym teacher hinted that we'd be performing an event wherein one kid at a time would take his turn as the rest of the class watched, the most embarassing thing of all.

And why are gym teachers obsessed with making you dance? I thought gym class was supposed to make you active for part of the day, not train you for an off-broadway career. When I think of gym class, surely the first thing that comes to mind is having to slow dance with girls I've never even talked to to the sweet licks of some N*Sync song.

Oh, high school, this will be better, right? In a way, though it still blew. Add to the fact that everyone's maturing by the day and becoming more self conscious. It's in high school that I noticed that gym classes always have a group of the more attractive girls and their one fat friend who huddle in a group the entire time, squealing and spreading out when action heads their way. These girls also were thankfully even more horrible at gym class than me. Take baseball for example; they'd shuffle timidly up to the batter's box, sweatshirt wrapped around them because they're invariably cold, pink sweatpants with HOT on the ass, they'd stand still in an awkward position with the bat, hack at the ball with it as if they're chopping wood, and if they actually made contact, run slowly with arms flailing.

Add to the fact that there's also always a random kleptomaniac in every gym class and dollars are always missing out of random kid's wallets everyday from the locker room, that sure added to my paranoia. Or how about being stuck in a gym class for a year with a girl you may have liked, with her being there for all your awkward embarassments, such as being a poor volleyball server. Thank god there's always at least a couple kids in gym class a hell of a lot worse than you, such as the really geeky kid or the really fat kid. And what do you do? You hang out with them during class so you look awesome in comparison.

In high school, thankfully, most of the time you could just wander, and not many days were there set group assignments. But when there were, though, watch out. I'd just end up saying I forgot my clothes, despite the fact that my clothes were always in my gym locker. And what would they make me do? They'd make me write a paper that said "I will remember to change for gym class" over and over, front and back. 'Remember?' I never forgot, I just didn't fucking want to.

The one time I could really tell my gym teacher to suck an ass was when I could con my mother into giving me a note to excuse me. That and the occasional doctor's note would be my salvation. I became such a master of avoiding embarassments in gym class, I feel I need to share my secrets with those who find themselves having similar troubles. So now, for the first time ever, such secrets of the trade are being revealed.

» Something really embarassing coming up in gym? Say you forgot your clothes. You'll probably be penalized, but it'll be worth it.

» Already changed and made it into the gym, and you find out something embarassing is about to happen? Start actin'. Cough a lot and pound your chest, or limp and clutch your knee. If the teacher doesn't catch on, make them, until they tell you to sit out.

» About to be selected for something? Kneel down to tie your shoe. Invariably, if you have glasses, even better. 'Accidentally' have them fall, kneel down, and start cleaning them.

» In the midst of a group sport? Anticipate a ball being passed to you, setting you up for embarassment? Walk away, as if you just realized something needed to be defended or another position needed to be filled. They obviously won't pass to you if you're on the move and not looking.

» Dodgeball? It can be fun, but not if you're one of the last assholes left and everyone's staring. Throw yourself into the crossfire so you get hit and you're eliminated.

» Volleyball? Tough shit, you're on your own.

» Here's a desperate one I utilized at the Stretch Measurement Expo 2006. Ask if you can go to the bathroom, and don't return until clas is almost over.

I'm probably going to touch on gym class again, just because there's so much to be said. It shouldn't be mandatory, seriously. Let the jocks who love it pick it, but give the kids who dread it another incentive.