Kindergarten Cop review

The mere utterance of the name 'Schwarzenegger' makes me think of a number of things. Nonstop action, violent deaths followed by one liners, and a nude photo I wish I had never seen. Long before he ruled over California, he ruled over all of our hearts with his masterpiece of a film career.

Kindergarten Cop may very well be the greatest movie ever made. Let's take a look at the beginning of the film, shall we? Arnold, sporting the manliest beard this side of Grizzly Adams, walks through a busy mall in search of a felon. When he finds out where said felon is, he rushes through the mall, gun drawn, and confronts him in a salon, where he tells other policemen to fuck off, just because he can. At the police station, Arnold slams the bastard around, again, just because he can. He then drives to a club, intimidates a bunch of thugs with the biggest fucking shotgun I've ever seen, then enters the club and starts blasting everything straight to hell after dodging a peashot of a bullet.

Fastforward half an hour later, and Arnold is now a cleancut undercover Kindgergarten teacher, and good heavens, the gold has just begun. Kindergarten Cop begins the way a normal Arnold movie would, but then transitions into a weird family comedy that doesn't care if it's unconventional. Wait, this is supposed to be a family comedy? Apparently, though two people are killed violently and Arnold beats the shit out of a couple more. The climax of the film sees Arnold shoot a guy in front of his own son, and not only is it a happy ending, but he then becomes the kid's surrogate father. How awesome is that? Arnold is an inspiration to us all.

Early Arnold™ may have been a terrible actor, but he really set into a groove by the 90's, and he's honestly funny in the movie. The kids are great, too, and seeing Arnold shout at them is the stuff dreams are made of. If you have a girlfriend, I reccommend making her watch this, it has something for both of you. Action for the guys, and seeing Arnold beat the shit out of a kid's abusive father is heartwarming.

You're doing yourself a disservice if you've never seen this film. It teaches many life lessons, such as if you're an undercover cop and you like your undercover work better than your real job, fuck the police and teach Kindergarten. Watch this, now.