Horror Movie Reviews: Silent Night, Bloody Night

Starting something new here, I'll be reviewing and recapping old horror movies I watch. Mainly because I have nothing better to do and I haven't written anything here for months. About two years ago I got a bunch of random 3-disk DVD collections of old horror movies and I never bothered watching any of them, so I naturally decided to do so now. First up is Silent Night, Bloody Night.

No, not Silent Night, Deadly Night, an 80's 'franchise' that has become infamous, if only for Rob Conway yelling "GARBAGE DAY!" No, see, this movie came out in 1974, and I believe it was filmed in 1972. Or something. Anyway, I actually... liked it. A lot. It's definitely a prototypical 'slasher' film in that it has early use of killer POV camera work and awesomely creepy phone calls. In fact, I think Black Christmas may have ripped it off a little. Fucking Kwanzaa.

Anyway, the film starts with a man running from a house. And he's on fire. I already love this movie. This man, however, deserves to die, as THERE'S FUCKING SNOW ALL OVER THE GROUND he and doesn't bother to stop, drop and roll. Fucking idiot. Anyway, it turns out the man's name was Wilfred Butler, he leaves his house for his grandson, blah blah.

Cut to the present day (and by present day I mean 1972), and Wilfred's son, Jeffrey, is looking to sell the house to the town. He sends his lawyer or whatever to meet with town officials to work out a deal. The town officials, like in most towns, are creepy characters with distinguishing character traits. John Carradine, the one noticeable actor in the film, plays a mute, which is smart to make the one noticeable actor in the film not speak. The lawyer works out a deal to sell the house for $50,000 and then reveals he's going to spend the night there. I'm not sure it usually works that way. The officials try to dissuade him, but the fucker's cheating on his wife with some whore so he doesn't want to shack up in a hotel! Oh, you sly dog!

Meanwhile, we see the POV of a person escaping some place. He runs into a waiting car and takes off. Alright, who was the asshole that leaves a car in front of a mental asylum running and ready for someone to escape with.

Meanwhile again, the mayor's daughter is driving around town and sees a Suspicious Fellow with a broken down car. She declines stopping, and in a fit of misplaced anger he smashes his windshield. Yeah, I'd do that too.

Meanwhile some more, the lawyer and his whore arrive at the Butler house. Except -- oh no! -- the escaped mental patient is already in there, snoopin' around. They make themselves at home and, later that night, decide it's time to engage in a sexual liason. While they're in the bed room, the killer ascends the stairs, bursts into the room, and axes the shit out of them. Yeah, haha, show you to have sex! He then does something religious. And then he calls the town officials, claiming to be a woman who is waiting for them there.

The mayor's daughter is wrapping gifts or something at home when the Suspicious Fellow from before shows up. Like any single woman alone in a house, she takes a gun and invites him in. Invites him in? This woman has moxy. It turns out he's Jeffrey Butler, and is looking for her father.

One by one, the town officials are invited to the house by the phone caller, show up, and are killed. There's a scene where Carradine's character is hit by Butler and the mayor's daughter with a car or something, and is found to be missing his hands. Except I'd have never known that, because the fucking picture quality is so poor here in this night time scene, I might as well be watching a broken television.

Anyway, the creepy killer ends up killing all the officials except the mayor. He invites the mayor over just as Butler and the mayor's daughter reach the house. Inside the house, Butler finds the diary of his grandfather, Wilfred Butler. Except, uh oh, he's also... his father! Man, I hate when incestuous details are revealed about my family. It turns out Butler had raped his daughter, Marianne. Later, he turned his house into an asylum, where patients, including Marianne, were committed. Marianne later birthed Jeffrey, who never knew any of this, as he was sent to California and told his mother died in a car accident. Wilfred ended up disliking his fellow doctors at this asylum, thinking they were lying or something. Now that's just silly, doctors never lie. So one night (Christmas Eve), he unleashes the mental patients and they butcher the other doctors, and also unfortunately Marianne.

As it turns out, all the town officials are some of those escaped mental patients. What. And it turns out the killer is Wilfred Butler, who faked his own death and has returned to claim revenge on the people who killed his daughter. The mayor bursts in and he and Jeffrey shoot each other, as the killer attacks the mayor's daughter and reveals himself to be Alfred Einstein.


She ends up killing him, and a year later the Butler house is destroyed.

Overall, I really liked this movie. It was exceedingly creepy, and the horrid film quality only lent to it. Definitely watch it if you get a chance.

Star Trek: The Next Generation - Echoes from the Past

Holy three month hiatus! Haha, yeah! No really I just didn't feel like doing anything for this beast, but I do now. What better way to make a thrilling comeback than with the review of a Sega Genesis game?

I was never a huge Star Trek fan as a kid, probably because even back then I knew it'd lead to a lifehood of virginity. Whenever The Next Generation was on TV I'd watch some of it, merely because all aliens are cool to a 7 year old, and black guys with headband visors around their eyes are a marvel to behold.

Star Trek: The Next Generation - Echoes from the Past is a sort of pseudo-RPG game for the Genesis that also saw a watered down and shitty release on the SNES. Essentially giving every 34 year old perpetual comic con visitor his dream, you command the USS Enterperise. I actually really liked this game as a kid, because you can command the Enterprise to go to a huge list of planets (though it's a linear story, sorta). Every so often you encounter a Romulan ship and can either be diplomatic or dom their ass, or the Federation will send you a message to go do something. You navigate through your ship's command, and there's like an entire novel's worth of information in the computers to read. The game actually has a save function, too, making it one of the non-sports Genesis games I own that actually save.

Anyway, when you get a mission you're supposed to go to the planet and beam down. You can choose a squad of up to 4 crew members to go down and walk around in their quaint outfits; the selectable characters include all the main characters from the TV show, plus random scrubs whose sole purpose is to get in the way and take a bullet (or laser or whatever the fuck it's called in Star Trek) for the characters that actually matter. Some characters have special abilities, like the guy from Reading Rainbow, who throws shitty children's books at enemies. Everyone has a phaser they can use to kill enemies, and good god is it hard to aim diagonally.

Some of the levels are pretty fun, and you can swith between what crew member you control, so you can have your 4 guys scattered all across a level. The absolute hardest level, though, is the fucking cavern/caves level, which is like the third level. I don't know how I beat it as a kid, but if you like getting hopelessly lost, this is the level for you! You can always beam back to the ship and beam back down to start all over again, but the prospect of braving the heinous maze from the beginning again isn't very fun.

The Enterprise space battles are decent, and afterwards (or during) you have to make sure to repair your shields and weapons and crap. You run into Romulans entirely too much, and it's always apparently the same crew, too, so Romulans are apparently the Asian women of the space highway. I actually don't know how many missions you go through in this game, as I never beat it, but it seems like there'd be a lot, if the amount of planets are any indication.

The game's hard, but what game made before 1996 isn't? It's the only Star Trek game I have ever, or will, play, so you may want to check it out if you're a fan, or just like relatively obscure old games. As Cioff would say, "May the Force be with you. Awful."

SHITTY GAMES I LIKE AND EVERYONE THINKS SUCKS

When it comes to video games, there are bound to be awful games that get universally panned, yet you still somehow like them. It's like your name is Ryan and there's a plain Jane gal in your class that you like for some random reason even you can't really pinpoint... unless it's her, her overweight boyfriend? Yeah. Yeah, I bet that's the reason.

Anyway, most of these games are pretty bad, but I still like them for some reason. If you have any qualms, please direct your anger towards Malonik, at the AIM screename of Malonik1.

1. Batman Forever (Sega Genesis)
I don't get how this game gets shit on and the first Batman game for Genesis gets praised. I actually really like this game, sadly, as it makes me feel I'm really in the horrible movie of the same name! Just kidding, I sadly liked Batman Forever, the film, as well. There might be something wrong with me, but even scarier, there might not be. Anyway, the gameplay feels like Taiwanese ROM pirates raped the Mortal Kombat engine and made it into a licensed Batman game. And that's A-okay with me, man. You can play with someone else and use both Batman and Robin (who looks gayer than usual) and go about stopping that dastardly Two-Face and Riddler! One thing I like is being able to choose your gadgets before missions, but the gadgets do shit for damage and require a WWF Attitude esque button combo to pull off. Oh well. There's also a 'training' mode where you can play as holograms as the villains. It's not a deep game by any means, but it's pretty long and I like beating shit up.

2. The Incredible Hulk (Sega Genesis)
Another superhero game, The Incredible Hulk pits Eric Bana on a quest to kill Edward Norton. Just kidding, but seriously. Anyway, I like this game's comic book style presentation, and it has a decent representation of Hulk's powers. If you get hurt too muc, you turn into Bruce Banner, who can only crawl around on his knees half nude, hoping against hope that one of the many tunnels you crawl through doesn't lead into a prison shower. The enemies are pretty annoying, as they repeatedly fire, but hey, it has Rhino in it.

3. Family Guy (PlayStation 2)
Fuck chronological order; I just began writing this with Batman Forever and Hulk in mind, and now I'm scrambling for shit to think up. Family Guy's a pretty lackluster game, but it retains the show's charm (if you don't think Family Guy's funny, you're an ass), and it's decently fun for anyone of any skill level. Stewie's levels are standard platform levels, Brian's are stealth levels, and Peter's are beat 'em ups. The mechanics aren't always great, but the game's easy to breeze through and worth it to see some of the gags, even though some are recycled from the show. If you don't watch the show a lot of shit will go over your head, though.

4. WCW Mayhem (PlayStation)
Oh... oh god. Oh god. I thought Mayhem was decently fun, even though the move animations are more awkward than a Mike Tyson interview. It had a large roster, though it was pretty out of date. Considering it was EA's first attempt, it was good. Backstage Assault can burn in hell, though, as they fucking ruined the good graphics and made it play even shittier.

5. Maximum Carnage (Genesis)
Alright, Maximum Carnage isn't universally panned, and a lot of people like it, but some don't. It's pretty much the silicon embodiment of my childhood: comic books, violence, and rock music. It's just a beat 'em up (as seemingly every 1/5 games were from 1992 - 1995) where you play as Spider-Man or Venom and beat upon homeless people and supervillains, but it's still fun.

6. Bubsy (Genesis)
This game's 15 years old now, so it qualifies as a sexual interest of Roger Clemens. Awful. It's just a really difficult platform game, as was all the rage back then, but I enjoyed it. I never beat it, as there wasn't an easy video game made until 1996, but like most 16 bit games I have fond memories of it, no matter how much it sucks.

I'm not doing numbers 7 - 10 because I can't think of anything else, but stay tuned for next week, when I take a peek at Games I Hate That Are Universally Loved!

Terminator 2: The Best Action Movie Ever, and Flawless

Yes, that's right, flawless. Few movies I call my favorites (which makes sense, because who the fuck has a shitload of favorites?), but Terminator 2: Judgment Day is without a doubt my second favorite movie ever. What's my first, you ask? Showgirls. Jesting aside, it's Gigli. No, but seriously -- it's Batman (1989). I'll admit that film is not flawless, but I'll be damned if it's still not my favorite movie of all time. It only slightly edges out T2 (that's right, like an utter fag I'm calling it by its nickname) because I've always been such a huge Batman fan. But the Batman rant can be saved for later, because right now it's all about the T times 2, baby. And it gets a bigger-than-usual picture insert, just because I said so.

I liked The Terminator a lot, and it certainly ranks highly on my list, but there's a lot of things that hold it back from being a big favorite of mine. The whole complete 80's feel to it, from the music, style, and hair kind of dampens it for me, petty as it seems. Even the video and audio quality 'feel' 80's, if you get what I mean. Plus Arnold's floppin' penis certainly doesn't help matters. Don't get me wrong, I really like the movie, but nothing compares to Terminator 2.

If you've read previous entries of mine you may get the impression I like to make fun of Arnold Schwarzenegger. That may be true, but I do so with love. The man may not be the best actor in the world, but the sheer entertainment and enjoyment he's provided me throughout my youth are enough to give him my vote in the next California election. How can I do so while not being a citizen of California? Lieutenant Dan's magic laigs.

In all seriousness, though, on to why Terminator 2 is amazing. From start to finish, the story just flows so well, with paced action scenes, good acting all around, and actual emotions. When I was like 5 - 8 years old, I'd watch Terminator 2 at least once a month, and sometimes moreso. It's one of those movies you (or at least me) can never get tired of seeing. I'll freely admit, I cried like Scott Peterson pretending he cared for his dead wife when I first saw the ending of Terminator 2. I'll also freely admit I occasionally tear up at it to this day. Man tears, of course -- tears that would melt your skin off, pussy. It's just that Arnold's Terminator was such a badass and learned how to be 'human' that you can't help but feel sadness when he has to be destroyed. The thumbs up he gives just clinches it, dammit. It's sadly one of the most emotional bits of cinema I've ever seen, likely because I've never viewed it with the cynicism I usually use for critically acclaimed dramatic movies.

It's not a 'straight' action movie, but the special effects are done so well they stand up today, though the T-1000 morphing scenes are starting to show their age. It's still better than "Angry Giant Green Kenta Kobashi" from 'Hulk', though.

If I have one complaint, it lies in the full uncut version. It doesn't flow as well as the theatrical cut, but I still enjoy it greatly. In fact, there's only one scene in the uncut version I'd take out, and it's the scene where Kyle Reese visits Sarah in a dream. It just feels corny and out of place, though it was nice to see Michael Biehn make a cameo. The rest all feels like it could have been better off if it was left in, at least to me.

I said this with Kindergarten Cop, but I'll say it again here. If you have a girlfriend, wife, or side whore, watch this with her. It has the action and Arnold badassdry for you, and the ending will make that bitch cry, or my name isn't Kevin Malonik. Seriously, do it now. I'll be waiting to see how it went.

No I won't.

The Dark Eye: No, you've never played it.

Edgar Allan Poe was a sick fuck. He married his cousin and his stories dealt with extremely macabre subject matter, especially for his time. But more importantly, he married his cousin. But seriously, he's generally regarded as one of the greatest American writers ever, even though he looks like the lovechild of Hitler and my uncle Ralph. A great deal of his stories are widely known by just about everyone, and to my knowledge most schools thrust at least a few of his stories on kids. I'd much rather them force Poe upon our youth than that bastard Shakespeare, but I'll save that for William Shakespeare Hates You Part 2: Annihilation. Anyway, The Dark Eye is an obscure PC game released in 1995, one that god knows how I ended up owning. That being said, it's amazing, and if you offer me your ears I'll tell you why, kid! Well, eyes, but fuck you.

Dark Eye is a first person adventure game where you, essentially, end up playing out some Edgar Allan Poe stories. The basic premise of the game is that you're visiting your uncle Edwin, hilariously voiced by William S. Burroughs and sounding like he'll die at any moment, along with your brother Henry. Henry, like ol' Poe himself, is an incest enthusiast who, too, wants to marry his cousin, causing a conflict with old uncle Edwin. There's also a bald assistant whose sole purpose is to stand there menacingly and scare the tits off of you at inopportune moments with his stupid bald head.

The first thing you'll notice is the terrifying graphics. No, they're not bad, they're literally terrifying. All the characters are of the clay animation kin, and they all have huge noses and sunken eyes, rendering you virtually walking around with a bunch of differently proportioned Jeff Goldblums harassing you. Gameplay can get a little confusing, though basically it's a point and click adventure where you do more exploring than anything else. The 'main' story of the game, while not any particular Poe story, is very Poe-ish in execution and kind of reminds me of Fall of the House of Usher and a fictionalization of Poe's own life combined. Along the way your character gets exposed to fumes or some shit and becomes a pussy, halluncinating Poe stories. You activate a Poe story in a 'nightmare' rendering of the house; you walk around until you see a particular object and rub it, entering a Poe story.

The interesting thing is that you can play both victim and murderer in all of the playable stories. That's right; you, too, can become a retarded old man who doesn't realize some asshole's standing in his doorway for hours every night. You, too, can lead a man in a jester's outfit to his walled-in death, hiding him behind an obviously out of place wall. They're all obviously linear and if you've read the stories you know what's going down, but it's still interesting.

Unfortunately, there's not many of them. The Tell Tale Heart, the Cask of Amontillado, and Berenice are the only stories you 'play' through. The Masque of the Red Death ends up being read to you, and you can't fucking skip it, which pisses me off everytime because I don't feel like sitting through it. I would have liked to see The Black Cat and -- dare I say -- Hop-Frog as playable stories. Alas, they're not.

The main story ends in a very Poe-esque fashion, though it seems very abrupt. On the whole, the game will take maybe 2 hours to beat if you know exactly what you're doing; another hour or two if you don't. High school teachers should sit their students down and force them to play through this fucking game whenever Poe curriculum time comes. I sure know that nothing would get me excited in high school more than being made to play an obscure PC game from 1995.

Super Star Wars: Giving Me Ulcers Since Age 5: The Thrilling Conclusion

Last week I said I'd provide a review for the two remaining games in the Super Star Wars series, Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. However, I'm a filthy liar, but too bad, here they are now.

Alright, Empire Strikes Back. You start off as Luke on Hoth, lightsaber in tow, indiginous life forms randomly wanting to rape you. Luckily Luke's lightsaber is actually useful this time, though those fucking Wampa-like things are beyond annoying. Seriously, unless you get them right away, they freeze you in one swoop and hit you until you die. It's unbalanced and unfair, especially for the first few levels of the fucking game.

Once again, Luke tears the hearts out of his fallen foes and feasts on them in order to sustain his own lifeforce. The bosses in this game are much easier, to me, than in the first, but getting to them's a huge Hilary Clinton. After a few sidescrolling levels, it's time for a Mode 7 stage, and it's pretty awesome. Remember that scene in Empire Strikes Back where the battle of Hoth raged on? Of course you do, why the fuck am I asking. Controlling Luke, you have to shoot a bunch of shit down before tripping a bunch of AT-AT's up with your wire. After that you fight your way through the body of the last AT-AT (why the fuck didn't you just easily trip it up as you did the others) and take on its head in the easiest boss battle ever. Seriously, you just sit in one spot and deflect.

Unlike the first game, you can't select who you play as in this one, which sort of makes sense because everyone was split up for a lot of ESB. You control Han next, making your way though the Rebel's Hoth base, and apparently some asshole Rebel hates Han, as every gun turret and security device is set against him. Yadda yadda, you take off in the Millenium Falcon, and you get a cool first person space shooting level through the cockpit of the Falcon.

Luke arrives on Dagobah, and Yoda sets him on the path to becoming a Jedi by slaughtering all the indiginous life there as well. Man, Luke's fucking genocidal. You can earn force powers as Luke, and they're pretty cool and useful. The most useful is Force Heal, for obvious reasons, though if anyone needs it it's poor Han, because he gets stuck in the hardest fucking level ever, Cloud City. I don't know how Lando or anyone else gets around this fucking city, what with its wayward platforms and impossible everything.

Chewie's next as he navigates through a less harder but still tear inducing Cloud City stage, looking for C-3PO, who disappeared. Find him, Han's frozen, Luke sets off, etc etc. Cloud City as Luke isn't that hard as long as you have Force Jump, but save those fucking force powers up for your fight with Darth Vader. Vader's not that hard, and after 'beating' him you're treated with a cutscene reminding you that Return of the Jedi is the conclusion of the series and will be out soon. Now there's some initiative.

We move on to Return of the Jedi. This game sports a grand 4 selectable characters (the system from the first game is back), along with a 5th, Wicket the Ewok, who's playable for 2 stages. Not just playable, but forced on you. And the developers must have felt a little bad at the lack of Princess Leia in the other games, as she's available in three outfits throughout the game, including her bounty hunter disguise, slave outfit, and rebel outfit where she looks like a guy.

The first stage is a Mode 7 mode, jettin' across Tattooine to Jabba's Palace, trying not to fall down into abysses. Honestly, there's not much I can say for this game other than that it's more of the same, just more polished and a little funner. You'll still fight crazed indiginous life and animals more than the Empire, it seems, and the boss battles are pretty easy (including Vader), but the last level where you escape the exploding Death Star almost sent me spiralling into a maelstrom of madness due to its difficulty.

My biggest complaint of this series isn't the difficulty, it's what I've said a world record three times in this article: indiginous life. With all the stormtroopers, vehicles, weapons, and other tools of evil the Empire employed, why do you have to fight so many random animals and shit? Actually, this is a problem I have with a lot of old games. Apparently either the place you live is filled with bloodthirsty creatures out to kill you and the main bad guys don't care, or they actually somehow commanded all this wildlife to attack you.

Still, the Super Star Wars series is fun, especially for a fan. There weren't much Star Wars games worth playing back then, so at least we all got something decent.

Super Star Wars: Giving Me Ulcers Since Age 5 Part 1

Star Wars. What little kid didn't love Star Wars in their youth? Douchebags, that's who. I think there was something in these classic movies that any kid could enjoy. Luke's evolution into a true hero, Han Solo being a badass, the dark presence of Darth Vader, a gay robot. Good stuff. Of course this was before the prequel trilogy, back in a much simpler time. Don't get me wrong, I kind of like the prequel movies. Well, I thought Phantom Menace sucked ass. And Clone Wars was kind of boring, but I did enjoy Revenge of the Sith. Hayden Christiansen is such a comically wooden actor that he can't help but be endearing.

But anyway, enough of that. There were a few Star Wars games made in the 80's, but I didn't play any of them because they probably blew anyway. The very first Star Wars game I ever played, or got the chance to play, was Super Star Wars for the SNES, and of course that's what we're going to be talking about. This series has become almost legendary amongst fans of video gaming as being one of the hardest series ever. Yes, ever. Is it really that bad?

Well, let's fire this bad boy up. The first thing I notice is the great presentation. Great music, really comparative to the movie score. This is probably the best the SNES can do in trying to replicate the opening scene of the film, and it's really good, I think. There are stills throughout the game that tell the story rather sparsely, but it's better than nothing. And hey, the dialogue's better than the prequel films.

Well, here I am. Luke and a blaster on Tattooine. Much like Link from Legend of Zelda, Luke Skywalker must feast on the hearts of his fallen opponents in order to sustain his own health. Now, I think this is where the difficulty kicks in on this level, if you stay in the same spot for too long you're fucked. These enemies just keep respawning, so you just have to constantly be on the move. There you go, get that blaster upgrade.

The Sarlaac pit monster? Well, it obviously wasn't in the first movie but oh well, something had to be the boss. This doesn't even really look like the giant vagina from Return of the Jedi, but it's pretty easy to beat when you figure its pattern out.

Oh, boy! It's a Mode 7 stage! Actually, this is pretty fun. This Super Star Wars series actually makes some of the best use of the Mode 7 capabilities, and they're fun little diversions. It's pretty easy and straightforward, you just have to go forward blasting a select number of Jawas straight to hell and head towards the Sand Crawler. What I like though is how the simple Iittle hunk of shit speeder Luke used in the movie is now a weapon equipped, ass blasting, jetpack flying bat out of hell.

The next level is the Jawa's Sandcrawler. This level's interesting, as it actually reveals a plot twist I guess was cut out of the movie. As you can see, Luke's here at the Jawa's sandcrawler, slaughtering them mercilessly. Yes, Luke was the fucker responsible for killing all those Jawas he and Obi-Wan find, and he probably blasted Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen to holy hell too. Little 30 year old bastard. In all seriousness, I think this is the level that'll first begin to show you how flawed the controls can be. Jumping's a bitch, and you'll sometimes pass clear through something or overshoot something unintentionally just because of the shitty double jump method. They thankfully fixed it for the sequels, but it's so weird here. Now I'm in the sandcrawler and about to fight the boss and... fuck. If you're not dead on perfect with these jumps getting to this boss, kiss your ass goodbye. Ugh.

It's not until you reach the Cantina that you can change characters, and that character in question is good ol' Chewie. Honestly, who wouldn't want to switch here? Chewie roars through the Cantina, owning everything that dares to oppose him. His crouching shooting sprite looks like he's blasting shit out of his crotch, too.

The very next level you can choose to play as Han Solo. He's probably the worst character in the game in terms of speed and intangibles, but of course you're going to play as him, he's fucking Han Solo.

Finally, you fuck off of Tattooine and then it's straight to the Death Star. These levels are pretty fun, but harder than Larry Craig waiting outside a busy men's bathroom. I bet you're expecting to take part in or at least witness Obi Wan's duel with Darth Vader right? Too fucking bad, it happens in a cutscene, and you're off.

Finally, the last two stages are badass. In the first, you fly atop the perimeter of the Death Star in a Mode 7 level, blowing up tie fighters and random towers. The very last level is an amazing first person X-Wing cockpit perspective as you, as Luke, fly through the Death Star trenches, shooting tie fighters, before hitting the shoulder buttons at an approximate time to launch missiles into the Death Star, blow it up, and kill millions of people just doing their job. You're then awarded with a medal, cold hearted murderer that you are, in a ceremony mimicking the one at the end of A New Hope.

Tune in tomorrow as I take a look at THE hardest game not only of the trilogy, but the hardest game I have ever played, The Empire Strikes Back. That'll be followed on Friday by Return of the Jedi.

May the force by in you. So bad.

THE RISE AND FALL OF ACCLAIM (OR HOW I LEARNED TO BE GROSSLY DISAPPOINTED)

Let me take you back in the past. The year is 1965, the middle of the swinging sixties. Disco has yet to kick in, hippies rule more than just colleges, and America is at war. What the fuck does this have to do with this piece? Damned if I know.

In 1992, a little game came out called WWF Super WrestleMania for the Genesis and Super Nintendo. You can read my review of that game here, on this... "very" blog. But before I do, I -- DAMMIT, FINLAY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Anyway, SM wasn't the first WWF game Acclaim put out. Before that, they released WWF WrestleMania for the NES, a game that still haunts my nightmares. The animation in WWF WrestleMania was so hilarious, it looked like all the wrestlers were aimlessly galomping about looking for a lost contact lense. With Super WrestleMania, Acclaim actually progressed into making something that felt like 'wrestling', though they still continued to release shitty games on the NES.

WWF Royal Rumble was released in 1993, and WWF Raw in 1994. That's three games in three years, though they're all basically the same fucking game anyway. Not that I cared at the time; the 16 bit WWF games were good to me. Lo, for I enjoyed paralyzing opponents with the Razor's Edge! For I took delight in making opponents squeal at the pain the Sharpshooter inflicted! How I discovered glee in delivering Papa Shango's Shoulderbr -- wait, no I fucking didn't. Why was Papa Shango in every god damn Sega version of the WWF games? I doubt he had any semblance of a fanbase clamoring for his inclusion, and if he did, may god have mercy on their souls.

Back then, the only thing we could hope for in a wrestling game was the inclusion of our favorites. I don't think any of me or our friends expected different gameplay; we had no exposure, understandably, to the Fire Pro series, so the 16 bit Acclaim engine was all we knew. And that was fine, because we had fun. I somehow convinced my mom to let me get the Genesis and SNES versions of both Super WrestleMania and Royal Rumble, just so I could be exposed to the different rosters each provided. The Genesis Rumble had the Hulkster himself, while the SNES version had th'Nature Boy. The SNES SM enjoyed the company of the Deadman, whereas the Genesis installment provided the Ultimate Warrior! Heaven I was in! I only got WWF Raw for the SNES, since the roster was the same for both versions, and the SNES had crisper graphics. Aye; an astute gamer I was, nay back then!

It can be said that Super WrestleMania feels like a 'beta' for the other two games. It was definately better than the shit we had before it, but it still wasn't that great. WWF Royal Rumble and Raw are basically the same games; same graphical style, same gameplay, only Raw added more moves. Raw, despite being the most advanced of the series, was probably my least favorite, simply because of its roster. The only new characters added from Royal Rumble were Diesel, Doink the Clown, Luna, Bam Bam Bigelow, the 1-2-3 Kid, and Owen Hart. Oh yeah, and Kwang was a hidden character on the Sega 32X version of the game, now there's a fucking treat. Plus, say goodbye to Hogan, Flair, and Ted DiBiase. I know they were gone from the WWF by that time, but they took a lot of starpower with them. Why the fuck would I want to play as Luna? There's no other women to fight, what's the point in her? Why not add someone more worthwhile to the roster from 1994 WWF in her place, like Damien Demento?

In short, the 16 bit WWF games kept my friends and I entertained. Most of our favorites were present, the button mashing action was fun, and we had no idea much better Japanese wrestling games existed.

I'll skip Acclaim's arcade games. WWF WrestleMania: The Arcade Game was a blast, and I own it for SNES and PlayStation, but none of my friends ever gave a shit about it. In Your House was a bigger flop than the World Bodybuilding Federation, and even the attraction of Goldust turning people into shitty gold couldn't save it. No, indeed, by 1996, we were looking for bigger and better things.

Enter Aki, or as annoying internet wrestling fans refer to them, Jesus. In 1996 they produced WCW vs the World for the PlayStation, and the following year WCW vs nWo World Tour for the N64. Talk about orgasmic heaven for a ten year old, realistic 3D grapplin'? Sign me up, dudes! Oh, wait, it's WCW? Oh... oh well. Actually, I liked WCW at the time a lot, like most kids I knew. Being able to play as a three dimensional Hollywood Hulk Hogan that didn't really look like Hollywood Hulk Hogan outside of what he was wearing was a one of a kind, never to be duplicated experience, because it was the first time we all got a chance to play a 3D wrestling game. I just wished that a WWF game wouldn't be far behind and, like a double edged sword shoved up the ass of life, I got my wish.

Acclaim published WWF War Zone in 1998, and the first time I played it, it was amazing. The wrestlers looked so great, they had entrances (in the single player mode, at least), and you could actually create a wrestler. However, not all was well and good, as seeds were planted for future nightmares. Alright, they decided to use a fighting game engine. That's different, I bet they tweaked it for a wrestling game, right? No, faggot, you better be prepared to either memorize 5 press button combinations or keep your finger on the start button ready to go to the movelist. That's not too bad, I'll learn with time, they have cool moves, right? Well yeah, even their special moves! Well how do I do them? What the fuck, where are they?

Not in the game, god dammit. You either had to have internet access or buy the shitty strategy guide in order to see how to do everyone's finishing move. And since my stints on the internet at the time were briefer than Lindsay Lohan's stints in rehab, I couldn't get the damn things, so my matches ended gloriously anticlimactically with samoan drops and inverted atomic drops.

Fast forward to one year later, the summer of 1999. WWF Attitude looming on the horizon; my Holy Grail. My friends all had Revenge for N64, an amazing game that I wish I had but wouldn't get for more than two years later. But that's okay, when Attitude comes out it'll rape Revenge and leave me with the ultimate in wrestling gaming. I still had limited internet, so I had no clue when the game was coming out. The release date apparently changed every 5 minutes, and everytime my mom would go out she'd come back empty handed and with bad news. Still, I held my pants shittingly gleeful anticipation for the game, further fed by great looking magazine previews. Finally, the day arrived. One peaceful afternoon at home, when I wasn't expecting a thing, my mother returned with my ultimate conquest.

If there is a paradise, I was in it all that afternoon. And looking back, I don't know what the fuck was wrong with me. Probably too high on the drug known as Val Venis, I overlooked the fact that it was the same fucking game, only slower and riddled with more problems. But the entrances kicked ass, everyone had 4 attires, create mode was better, and Steve Austin walked like he shit his pants. The rest of that magical summer, I spent almost all my time with Attitude, a season I wish I had back.

Little did I know at the time, Attitude would be the last of Acclaim's WWF endeavors. When I saw previews for WrestleMania 2000, to be developed by Aki, I just about shat my pants in a body shaking wave of glee. Acclaim was now gone, and in stepped THQ. Acclaim would never hold me captive again... or would they?

No, they wouldn't. I never cared about ECW, but I had nothing to do on Friday nights and it was wrestling, so I'd sometimes tune into it on TNN. I'd also read about it in my wrestling magazines, so I was vaguely familiar, and when Acclaim released ECW Hardcore Revolution I thought I'd give it a try. The fact that my mom bought it brand new for $15 should have told me something, but upon starting it up for the first time, the first thing that came to mind was it's fucking Attitude with modded wrestler skins. Seriously, it is. Take what little charm Attitude had, throw in a bunch of wrestlers you've never heard of, and imagine Joey Styles screaming "HURIN-CON-RANA!" 25 times a match and you have Hardcore Revolution. I maybe have played 10 matches total in Hardcore Revolution, and I feel bad that I wanted it in the first place. I never contemplated buying its sequel, Anarchy Rulz, because it looked like the same fucking game again, only with the presence of Dusty Rhodes. When ECW finally went out of business, I felt bad for a minute, then thought "Thank Christ, no more Acclaim wrestling games!" How wrong I was.

Legends of Wrestling. When you hear that term, you think of Hogan slamming Andre, Flair tussling with Steamboat, maybe even Bruno Sammartino getting it on with Ivan Koloff. Someone at Acclaim apparently thought of Sabu being assaulted by the Von Erich brothers no one gives a shit about, and the result is Legends of Wrestling. I'm kidding, I actually liked the Legends of Wrestling roster. But the gameplay; Jesus Christ, the gameplay. More complicated than rocket science, the gameplay is the same old Acclaim engine, only needlessly complicated. There aren't any fighting game style button combos, thankfully, but in its wake is a grappling system so shitty I prefer the one in Attitude. No, seriously. I guess it's all based on timing and you'll eventually get the hang of it, but nothing says great match than unintentionally putting your opponent between your legs and getting backdropped out ten times in a row. It's fun playing as some of the legends, but when the game sucks this much, it's not really worth it. I wish I could say the sequel was better, but I'd be lying. Thankfully I got LOW 2 for free; if I spent money on it, suicide may have been the only remedy. It's more 'decent' than the first, but the gameplay is so awkward, jerky, and robotic, it looks like I'm watching Attack of the Clones' dialogue in physical form.

I never got the third and last Legends of Wrestling. I admit, it looks awfully tempting, merely due to the inclusion of Macho Man, Ultimate Warrior, and Sting, but if I ever got it I know it'd be one of those "I told you so, you fuck" moments.

Acclaim went bankrupt in 2004. Thanks for the 1990's memories, but burn in hell.

Ghostbusters (Sega Genesis review)

With an absence of more than a week, I return this late Wednesday evening with a brilliant tale to tell. A tale of love, deception, redemption, and salvation. No I don't, but I have the next best thing, a review of Ghostbusters for the Sega Genesis.

Long sought after by myself for reasons even I don't fully comprehend, Ghostbusters for the Sega Genesis is the best video game based on that license. Not saying a whole fuck of a lot, but it is. It won't be when the new game comes out later this year, but for now it reigns supreme, much like Fidel Ca -- oh, wait! Silly me!

Starting up the game, you begin by selecting from three of the Ghostbusters. Once again, there's no Winston, as Sega has a strict policy of no black protagonists in their games. Instead, you have Peter, Ray, and Egon to choose from, and upon selecting them the story begins. I guess it's supposed to take place between the first and second films, but that doesn't really make sense, because there's no Winston. Yet they say that their business has been in a decline because there's no more ghosts, implicating that they rid the town of ghosts, as in the first film. What gives, Bill Murray? I know you're responsible for this, you racist.

So after some dialouge you go to a screen where you can select your level. That's pretty cool that you can select the order in which you go through the levels, but unless you're suicidal you'll start with the first and easiest level. There's an ominous castle in the background on the map screen, so apparently the Ghostbusters have moved from New York to eastern Europe. The castle becomes playable when you beat all the other levels, but it's still not the last.

Anyway, Ghostbusters is pretty cool to me in a number of ways. First, you have to buy new weapons and items in order to keep on trekking along. But honestly, most of this shit's not even needed, and unless you play on Easy it's way too fucking expensive until you beat at least the second level. The levels aren't really 'linear', in that you can go wherever you please, blasting ghostly apparitions and the ever-forboding coffee cups with your proton pack until you reach the bosses. There are usually 2 'mid' bosses in each level (just 1 in the first level, and 4 in the castle), and one final boss. They're all pretty easy, and once you defeat the mid bosses you get to catch their ass in a ghost trap just like in the movie.

The third level of the game is called the Woody House, which made me giggle. It's the token stock fire-themed level all early 90's games enjoyed, and it's a pain in the Cioff if you don't know what you're doing. You need to use goggles to see where the fuck you're going, or else everything except a small radius around you is blacked out. You can buy as many of these bitches as you want to use when they run out, but the shit kicker is that they just don't 'run out.' Instead, it goes from fully illuminating the area to just doing a square around you, before fading further. Now the square area around you sucks balls, so you'll want to equip a new pair, but when you do, what happens? It reverts to all black again. Then you have to equip ANOTHER pair to illuminate everything again.

Some enemies don't make real sense in the real of Ghostbusters, but it's a video game, so too bad. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is present, but in a weird moment it talks to you before fighting it, saying something like it loved marshmallows and was consumed by them. What the fuck? That's not the Stay Puft I know and love, that's my fat aunt. It doesn't matter though, he's pretty fun to fight.

All in all, Ghostbusters is still a fun little game to play. It just pissed me off Winston wasn't here, as he was my favorite, because he was black and I thought black people were cool. It can be a little frustrating if you don't know what you're doing, but if you're a fan, it's definitely worth checking out. Unless you're some -- some type of ass. Yeah, that's it. Some type of ass.

The Irate Gamer: A review

Have you heard of the Angry Video Game Nerd? Chances are you have if you've been on the internet frequently within the past year or so. I consider myself a fan and the man behind the videos and characters, James Rolfe, actually has talent. On his path to internet fame, the AVGN has inspired a generation of internet video game reviewers to make video reviews and post them on YouTube. Some are good, most are bad, and then there's the Irate Gamer.

The Irate Gamer you say? Surely the name alone is a rip off of 'Angry Video Game Nerd,' you must be thinking. That's just the tip of the fucking iceberg. Along with looking like an albino ape, the Irate Gamer has a thick Midwestern Ohio accent that makes me think of the mother from Bobby's World everytime he speaks. But who cares what he looks and sounds like as long as he's good at what he does, you ask? Well too bad, he's fucking not. His acting is on par with the people from those videos they show you in Health class, only worse. And that'd be fine if the reviews themselves were actually good, but they're not. Throw away the fact that his videos have plots and special effects, and his reviews are fucking awful. Two of his reviews, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Back to the Future were once done by the AVGN, and Irate Gamer made it a point to rip them off severely, TMNT moreso than BTTF. Same game flaws pointed out, same jokes, same fucking swears. And again, it wouldn't even be that bad if he made some unique points or insight into the game, but he doesn't.

His attempts at humor fall flatter than Stacy Keibler's chest, and he doesn't even sound like he's that much of a video game fan. In fact, he just seems like he's doing all this to cash in and make money off his shitty t-shirts and DVD on his website, as if he saw it was working for one guy and said "Hey, I'll do that." He even has a Ghost Hunters ripoff show too, the fat fuck. He grasps at straws for shit to bitch about and doesn't seem knows what he's talking about half the time (apparently he's an old man. Awful). His special effects are cool, I'll give him that, and it's not like I could ever do them, but even then they look like they're from some shitty horror movie from 1993.

But hey, some people must like his derivitive humor and stolen ideas, he has a lot of subscribers. As soon as someone links me to a video and I hear that old Midwestern accent kick in, I want to kill myself. He's probably a nice guy in real life, and I've no right to judge him on that front, but the personality he presents on the World Wide Web is a douche. For every good point he makes, he turns around and comes back with a dozen poorly acted 'jokes'. Watching his videos, I feel like I'm watching an informative porn about video games.

Hay, I'm the Ireat Geemer, and right now I'm going to look at theese geem. Oh, look, that doesn't make any sense. What a shitload ahv fack. What a crack ahv sheet. I'm ganna smeash this geem.

Demolition Man: A Psychiatrist's Analysis

Forgoing an edition of Micro Retro Reviews for today, I instead am going to take an in-depth look at a game that doesn't need one, Demolition Man.

Released probably in 1994 and developed by Sly Stallone himself over the period of 9 months - yes, 9 months, because it's akin to a living, breathing baby - Demolition Man is based on the award winning film of the same name. I'm just kidding, I just don't feel like doing any research. This game has more gunplay and explosions than the middle east, and more Wesley Snipes than the past decade. LOLCUZHEHASNOCAREER. All the enemies throughout the game appear to be heavily armed homeless people, so obviously Sylvester Stallone's mission is to free them of their vagrancy by slaughtering them all.

A lot of movie based video games in the 90's actually kicked ass, and this one's no exception. Every now and then a side scrolling level will give way to a top down perspective level where you do more shooting up than River Phoenix, and your finger spends more time on the trigger than a Palestinian child's. The best thing about the game, though, is the voice samples used to perfection. In fact, I frequently found myself going into the 90's video game staple 'Sound Test' mode just to hear Wesley Snipes garbled cry of "I'MMABLASTFROMMAPAST."

This is honestly one of the best movie video games I've ever played. Then again, I've played ET: The Extra Terrestrial. But luckily my suicide attempt failed and I carried on to play this awesomeness. It's a shame we never got a game titled Play the Boredom: The Scarlet Letter and The Crucible. Think about it, The Crucible could be an RPG, they're always shit boring. Play as John Proctor and go around talking for 6 hours, then get hanged.

Gym Class: Psychological Torture

Do you like gym class? Yeah? Well get the fuck off this site, you must be a douchebag and would rather be out performing seizure-like dance moves at some shitty nightclub anyway. Gym class is fucking awful for any kid who doesn't say "bro" in every other sentence, and why everyone has to be subjected to it is beyond my reasoning.

Even in elementary school, it was nothing to take lightly. Sure, back then we didn't have to 'change' for gym, and the class was relatively short, but the humiliation, it was all still there. Hey, let's make kids go through an obnoxious obstacle course that even an Olympic gymnast couldn't navigate easily as the entire class watches. Better yet, let's make these kids squaredance, that won't be awkward. It sure was a high point of my day to walk down to the gymnasium, swing open the door, and see my obvious lesbian teacher standing there with her whistle ready to blow. With her permed hair and wardrobe of sweats in all the popular 90's colors, particularly purple, I know that bitch took glee in putting me through hell.

But escaping to middle school, would that help? No, I had to get prepared for the worst fucking gym years of my life. Now thrust into an environment where I had to change in front of others, gym took a horrible turn for the worse. Before I move on, though, why the fuck are there always showers in gym locker rooms? Does anyone actually use them during gym class? I've only seen them used in 80's teen movies, not once has a classmate ever said "Hold on, I'm gonna go shower before class." It's not like there's even enough time to. And if you do, you must have balls of fucking steel, getting nude in an open public environment.

I'm not sure how many other schools did this, but starting in middle school, all my gym classes would be three separate classes going on at once, meaning the risk of humiliation was multiplied by three. It pissed me off how we always had to do these retarded games that the gym teachers thought would be fun, like 'crab soccer' and 'ghost.' Holy tits, whatever happened to simple sports? Everytime gym class is depicted in some sort of media, it's some organized event with kids all wearing short shorts and t-shirts with the school logo, running a track, playing basketball, or climbing a rope. Not real life, instead everything's an unorganized mess of doing whatever the hell the teachers dream up that morning and thrusting the kids into it.

What really pissed me off about it was how all the popular kids would get so fucking into it, as if any of it mattered. Being yelled at for not giving a shit about the game at hand by Tony Guido in the midst of the most important part of his day was a real treat. Better yet, I would literally fear when a gym teacher hinted that we'd be performing an event wherein one kid at a time would take his turn as the rest of the class watched, the most embarassing thing of all.

And why are gym teachers obsessed with making you dance? I thought gym class was supposed to make you active for part of the day, not train you for an off-broadway career. When I think of gym class, surely the first thing that comes to mind is having to slow dance with girls I've never even talked to to the sweet licks of some N*Sync song.

Oh, high school, this will be better, right? In a way, though it still blew. Add to the fact that everyone's maturing by the day and becoming more self conscious. It's in high school that I noticed that gym classes always have a group of the more attractive girls and their one fat friend who huddle in a group the entire time, squealing and spreading out when action heads their way. These girls also were thankfully even more horrible at gym class than me. Take baseball for example; they'd shuffle timidly up to the batter's box, sweatshirt wrapped around them because they're invariably cold, pink sweatpants with HOT on the ass, they'd stand still in an awkward position with the bat, hack at the ball with it as if they're chopping wood, and if they actually made contact, run slowly with arms flailing.

Add to the fact that there's also always a random kleptomaniac in every gym class and dollars are always missing out of random kid's wallets everyday from the locker room, that sure added to my paranoia. Or how about being stuck in a gym class for a year with a girl you may have liked, with her being there for all your awkward embarassments, such as being a poor volleyball server. Thank god there's always at least a couple kids in gym class a hell of a lot worse than you, such as the really geeky kid or the really fat kid. And what do you do? You hang out with them during class so you look awesome in comparison.

In high school, thankfully, most of the time you could just wander, and not many days were there set group assignments. But when there were, though, watch out. I'd just end up saying I forgot my clothes, despite the fact that my clothes were always in my gym locker. And what would they make me do? They'd make me write a paper that said "I will remember to change for gym class" over and over, front and back. 'Remember?' I never forgot, I just didn't fucking want to.

The one time I could really tell my gym teacher to suck an ass was when I could con my mother into giving me a note to excuse me. That and the occasional doctor's note would be my salvation. I became such a master of avoiding embarassments in gym class, I feel I need to share my secrets with those who find themselves having similar troubles. So now, for the first time ever, such secrets of the trade are being revealed.

» Something really embarassing coming up in gym? Say you forgot your clothes. You'll probably be penalized, but it'll be worth it.

» Already changed and made it into the gym, and you find out something embarassing is about to happen? Start actin'. Cough a lot and pound your chest, or limp and clutch your knee. If the teacher doesn't catch on, make them, until they tell you to sit out.

» About to be selected for something? Kneel down to tie your shoe. Invariably, if you have glasses, even better. 'Accidentally' have them fall, kneel down, and start cleaning them.

» In the midst of a group sport? Anticipate a ball being passed to you, setting you up for embarassment? Walk away, as if you just realized something needed to be defended or another position needed to be filled. They obviously won't pass to you if you're on the move and not looking.

» Dodgeball? It can be fun, but not if you're one of the last assholes left and everyone's staring. Throw yourself into the crossfire so you get hit and you're eliminated.

» Volleyball? Tough shit, you're on your own.

» Here's a desperate one I utilized at the Stretch Measurement Expo 2006. Ask if you can go to the bathroom, and don't return until clas is almost over.

I'm probably going to touch on gym class again, just because there's so much to be said. It shouldn't be mandatory, seriously. Let the jocks who love it pick it, but give the kids who dread it another incentive.

Kindergarten Cop review

The mere utterance of the name 'Schwarzenegger' makes me think of a number of things. Nonstop action, violent deaths followed by one liners, and a nude photo I wish I had never seen. Long before he ruled over California, he ruled over all of our hearts with his masterpiece of a film career.

Kindergarten Cop may very well be the greatest movie ever made. Let's take a look at the beginning of the film, shall we? Arnold, sporting the manliest beard this side of Grizzly Adams, walks through a busy mall in search of a felon. When he finds out where said felon is, he rushes through the mall, gun drawn, and confronts him in a salon, where he tells other policemen to fuck off, just because he can. At the police station, Arnold slams the bastard around, again, just because he can. He then drives to a club, intimidates a bunch of thugs with the biggest fucking shotgun I've ever seen, then enters the club and starts blasting everything straight to hell after dodging a peashot of a bullet.

Fastforward half an hour later, and Arnold is now a cleancut undercover Kindgergarten teacher, and good heavens, the gold has just begun. Kindergarten Cop begins the way a normal Arnold movie would, but then transitions into a weird family comedy that doesn't care if it's unconventional. Wait, this is supposed to be a family comedy? Apparently, though two people are killed violently and Arnold beats the shit out of a couple more. The climax of the film sees Arnold shoot a guy in front of his own son, and not only is it a happy ending, but he then becomes the kid's surrogate father. How awesome is that? Arnold is an inspiration to us all.

Early Arnold™ may have been a terrible actor, but he really set into a groove by the 90's, and he's honestly funny in the movie. The kids are great, too, and seeing Arnold shout at them is the stuff dreams are made of. If you have a girlfriend, I reccommend making her watch this, it has something for both of you. Action for the guys, and seeing Arnold beat the shit out of a kid's abusive father is heartwarming.

You're doing yourself a disservice if you've never seen this film. It teaches many life lessons, such as if you're an undercover cop and you like your undercover work better than your real job, fuck the police and teach Kindergarten. Watch this, now.

William Shakespeare Hates You

I hate Shakespeare. Yeah, I fucking said it. You know who the only people who like his work are? Educated old British people and left wing college students who say they love his plays just to sound intelligent, but just like the rest of us they can't understand what the fuck is going on.

My first foray into the wonderful world of William Shakespeare, or as I like to call it, hell, was, like many a school student, Romeo and Juliet. Besides Romeo and Juliet being retards, the thing I couldn't stand about this play was, like every Shakespeare written piece that I would later read, the dialogue. Okay, they talked like that back then, and they must have all been idiots. Statements that could be made in three words or less become three fucking sentences of unecessary dialogue.

'Gregory, o' my word, we'll not carry coals.'

What? What the fuck does that even mean? Gregory, let's not carry coal?

'Evermore weeping for your cousin's death?
What, wilt thou wash him from his grave with tears?
An if thou couldst, thou couldst not make him live;
Therefore, have done: some grief shows much of love;
But much of grief shows still some want of wit..'

Your cousin's dead, stop fucking crying? Okay, you get my point. Why was Romeo so in love with some bitch he barely even truly knows that he'd kill himself when he thinks she's dead? Shakespeare was insane.

Follow up Romeo and Juliet a year later with a tale that still haunts my nightmares, Julius Caesar. Holy fuck, what a lesson in tedium. All Shakespeare 'tragedies' are the same, you can tell what's going to happen three pages in, and you always know the title character's going to die. And there's always some sort of ghost, you better be expecting some fucking ghostly apparition or similar supernatural entity, surely historically accurate. And you know what else grinds my ass? Teachers are obsessed with showing you film versions of the same shit you just had to sit through and read, so your boredom has to be duplicated onscreen.

To cap it all off, there was Macbeth. Alright, I admit, this one isn't as bad, there was actually some action, but was the shit with witches needed? Shakespeare was obsessed with adding goofy witches and ghosts to stories that have a base in reality, perhaps to improvise for him not knowing what the hell else to do. Okay, there wasn't one in Romeo and Juliet, but maybe there should have been.

Worst of all, all my teachers ended up having us read out roles in all the Shakespeare plays we read in class, and as such it took forever. Apparently no one can read, because everything anyone says is slow, methodical, and they mispronounce every other word they say. It's like being in a room with a bunch of deaf people speaking out at turns, the speech is so weird. I can just picture Shakespeare sitting back in his chair, giggling, knowing that he was dooming future generations of children to temporary narcolepsy.

In closing, I'm a big fan of Shakespeare.

The Chocolate Whore

The story so delicately woven by Mr. CE -- that's short for CE - below me brings about a recollection of a similar ordeal I once experienced.

It was a rainy Saturday afternoon -- nay, hellacious. Just kidding, it was fucking fine. On my lap was a novel -- a novel amongst novels, The Chocolate War. On the television in front of me, a ballgame. Not just any ballgame, but game 3 of the 2003 ALCS, known thereafter as Zimmer Takes a Digger in my very household. At a crossroads, I was surely at -- do I finish reading this, this book, as I was tasked to? Or do I relax and take in the spectacle of Major League Baseball? Surely there would be a test awaiting me come Monday morn, dare I put off such a deed? I decided that I would read on, for the time, to see if my interest would be recaptured.

"Okay, this is -- what the fuck?" Before my unbelieving eyes, the character whose exploits I was reading about turned over in bed and started pleasuring himself. "What ho?" I bellowed. "This is the curriculum I, a 10th grade student, am forced to read about?"

Still, I perservered, and slowly and surely I continued reading. Through the sexual situations and the unlikely plot developments, two things became certain to me. One, every high school student apparently has a nickname befitting of their physical appearance or personality. Two, bullies hate being caught masturbating in a school bathroom. I'm not kidding, there was more self pleasuring in this book than Onslaught Six's bedroom.

When all was said and done, I let out a sight of belief. "Benjamin," I told myself. "I'm going to ace this test, or my name isn't Blitzen Halloway."

Come Monday, my suspicions proved correct, as my English class was assaulted with a test on The Chocolate War. I had just subjected myself to a story that made me feel more awkward reading it than Jaleel White must have felt when he realized that he's never going to be known as anything more than Steve Urkel for the rest of his life.

I looked down at the test that lay before me. "Haha!" I exclaimed. "That's the ticket!" The first page of the test was unrelentingly easy, but then I flipped over the test paper, in all its crookedly photocopied glory, and my jaw dropped.

"Why was Emile angry?"

What? How vague, he was a bully, for cryin' out loud, he was always fumin'! Figuring she was referring to something relevent to the plot, I jotted down -- ashamed of myself -- "He was caught masturbating."

We graded the tests that very same period. Old Mrs. O was into having us swap our papers and having other students correct it, which pissed me off, because I'd rather have a blind man correct my tests than a peer. I glanced over and an attractive dame was selected to bear witness to my paper.

5 minutes later, we arrived at the question at hand. "Why was Emile angry?"

"He was photographed."

With that, the girl burst out laughing at what she surely saw, and I felt like an ass. Yeah, a real dweeb!

Jesus Christ, I hate teachers who have vaguely worded tests and act as if it's your fault for not knowing what the hell they mean.

Opinions That Don't Matter Volume 2: Sega vs Nintendo

Sega vs Nintendo. Just seeing that phrase makes me think of my childhood and the 1990's, and as such also makes me think of flannel, grunge music, FOX Kids, Bugle Boy, bowl cuts, and people who look like the extras from Wayne's World. But the Sega vs Nintendo 'rivalry' didn't start in the 90's, it obviously began in the 80's, wherein I was swimming around in a pair of testicles for most of the decade. The first console I ever played, though, was the Sega Master System, and it was amazing. I didn't own an NES, but my aunt did, and all she had was Super Mario Bros and a bunch of shitty third party movie based licensed games. And seriously, people, most 8 bit games are terrible now and were terrible back then, too. We just played them because they were all we had, but deep down we knew. Oh, we knew.

My experience with the NES was limited and the Master System, despite being superior, had no good 'name' franchises like Mario or Zelda. Plus it's not like it was marketed well (at least in North America), and Nintendo had more of a stranglehold on the video game market than Chris Benoit did on... too soon. Way too soon. But that all changed when the Sega Genesis came out, because Sega actually gave a shit about it and marketed it aggressively. Hit arcade titles I could play in the comfort of my own home? Wow! These games suck! Okay, the launch titles for the Genesis sucked, but the graphics were amazing and it excited me beyond the point that I should have been excited.

The first games I remember getting that were actually really 'good' for the Genesis were Castle of Illusion and of course, Sonic the Hedgehog. Put yourself in the shoes of a child in 1991 and compare the crisp graphics and rapid speed of Sonic to a plodding, dull NES game and you'll realize why Sega and the Genesis was the first company to take the ball from Nintendo. Plus the Genesis had awesome plastic cases for its games, and not until the new millenium did Nintendo decide to stop being asses and putting their games in cardboard boxes that were easily bent and lost.

But then, uh oh, Nintendo got fucking pissed and they released the Super Nintendo in August of 1991, roughly two months after Sonic came out. And truthfully, I didn't care, because I thought the Genesis was so awesome by that point. We had no internet back then, there was no way to see much of the SNES in action, outside of word of mouth and the occasional video game magazine. That's also the reason why we all ended up buying such shitty games all the time back then, too; there was no internet and we didn't care about magazines, so every game we got or asked for would just be a blind buy that we though looked cool, and if it sucked, oh well.

My aunt got the SNES, probably in hopes of my sister and I spending more time at her house, the fat bitch. But boy did she fuck up, because outside of Super Mario World her library was a potpouri of shit, such as Krusty's Fun House and Wayne's World (Ah, two references to Wayne's World in one article, the first time such a feat has been accomplished since 1995.) So we didn't care about the SNES at all, and I ignorantly though that it sucked, because she had such bad games. But then I stumbled onto an old issue of GamePro, back when it wasn't awful, and I actually got my mom to buy me some SNES games I thought looked cool, to play at her house.

Back then I had no clue about most of the awesome games for the SNES, because I really had no means outside of television commercials and comic book ads. And since I didn't own an SNES, I couldn't play it often, because going over my aunt's house was the equivalent of saying goodbye to any sense of humanity for a day. The Genesis was my main means of video game delight, and then what happens? Sega fucks up with all their accessories no one cared about, most notably the 32X, which came out shortly before their lauded Saturn. Fans felt lied to and support for the Genesis died out while the SNES perservered well into 1996, before making way for the Nintendo 64.

So then I guess you could say it became a matter of the Saturn vs the Nintendo 64, right? Well tough shit, because the PlayStation entered the fray and since it was superior in every way to the Saturn, no one cared about the Saturn. Which is a shame, because I actually liked the Saturn. By that time, CD based video game media was the hot new thing, and both the PlayStation and Saturn utilized it, while Nintendo stuck with cartridges for the N64. And maybe it was just my Saturn, but just getting it to play a game felt like how someone in 1985 getting their first computer and booting it up must have felt like.

The last Sega console we'd ever see was the Dreamcast, released in late 1999. The N64 and the PlayStation were still its main competition, and it was technically superior to both - but uh oh, next year the PlayStation 2's coming out, let's wait for that. I think people were still pissed at the shit Sega pulled with the Sega 32X that they still distrusted them and were wary about investing in a Saturn and a Dreamcast. A couple years later, Sega would be out of the console makin' business and became more of a focused game developer, making games for Sony, Microsoft and, surrealy, Nintendo.

What's the lesson to be learned here? Mussolini faked his death? No, there is no lesson. The 90's were awesome for me in many ways, video game especially. The days of the Genesis and SNES are my fondest of all video game memories, followed closely by the N64 and PlayStation 1 era. It's a shame Sega phased itself out, but at least they're still relevent. Sony sort of took its place and ended up kicking Nintendo's ass, then Microsoft threw its 80's aviator glasses into the mix. For the past year I've been collecting a lot of old Genesis and SNES games I never had a chance to play in my youth, so I'm getting sort of a second 'look' at the 16 bit era, which is fun. But I'm not getting any more NES games, for the sake of all that is good and pure.

Micro Retro Reviews Volume 2

On today's program, we scope out some radical games on the Sega Genesis, Nintendo 64, and the NES! Tubular!

Star Gladiator - PlayStation, 1996
Hey, ever wanted to play a Star Wars fighting game? What, Masters of Tera Kasi blew? Well just play this and pretend the clearly ripped off characters are real Star Wars personalities.


Hey You, Pikachu - N64, 2000
I got this game cheap, thankfully. An interesting journey into seeing how a microphone works on an N64, but try as I may, Pikachu won't dance the Charleston. Or do anything else I needlessly mumble into the microphone.

Batman: Return of the Joker - Genesis, 1992
A psychological exploration into the effects of Stockholm Syndrome. Just kidding, it's some fat guy dressed as Batman who stole Mega Man's weapons making people explode.


WCW World Championship Wrestling - NES, 1990
World Championship Wrestling World Championship Wrestling? NWA stars utilize MMA kicks and die violent deaths if counted out, to the delight of the audience.



Cyborg Hunter - Sega Master System, 1988
The guy on the cover looks like a stormtrooper without a helmet shooting a monstrous Boba Fett. The radar sucks and I got confused by the enemies' attack patterns, but cyborgs are badass.

True Life: I'm an Idiot

Last night I did something I never do, and that's watch a program on MTV. I hate MTV, that much is a fact; it's just rare occasions I find myself watching out of sheer morbid curiousity. And the thing with any MTV show is that you know right away what it's about and what's gonna happen, so when it finally does you feel like a bully or something making fun of a slow kid you later find out has a mental illness.

Anyway, last night I was treated to True Life: I'm on Steroids. I wish I was making this shit up. One guy was an ultimate fighter taking them to get in shape for his upcoming first fight, another was a guy taking them to be shape so he could make the cover of some fitness magazine, and the last guy was some gay guy taking them so he'd feel better about himself at gay bars, though all three reasons sound pretty gay.

Are we supposed to feel sorry or relate to any of these guys? Maybe it's MTV's intention to educate us all on the pitfalls of steroid use, but hearing these idiots' reasonings is like hearing a murderer say he killed someone because they annoyed him. Okay, you're an ultimate fighter, so? The thing that pissed me off was he won his first fight, the fucking cheater. And is he that retarded to be followed around by a film crew, documenting his steroid use in preperation for his big fight? Does he think no one from the organization he fights for will see it and see that he cheated and was on steroids?

The guy who wanted to be on the cover of some magazine pissed me off too. He takes steroids so he can be on the cover of a magazine I doubt anyone even reads, and openly tells the makeup crew that he has acne on his shoulder because he took steroids. So they cover it up? Does anyone even care he too is cheating? The funniest part was he went to his personal trainer, who shot him up on film. What the hell? The guy's a licensed personal trainer, and he's allowing himself to be shown injecting steroids in someone? Why wouldn't an investigator be on his ass immediately after seeing this?

I then came to the realization that it's because anyone with a brain doesn't watch MTV, and then I silently wept.

The gay guy was the funniest, though, just because he was taking steroids so he could do an awkward little striptease. That makes all the sense in the world, you impatient ass. At least the other two were taking them for some validity of a reason, this guy just wanted to feel better about himself. Certainly the way to go about that would be to be shown on national television taking steroids.

Dammit, MTV, I just want to see an occasional music video, what is this crap? I better turn on VH1. Wait, what the fuck is this? Bret Michaels about to catch VD? Why do I want to watch this? Maybe I'll turn the channel to Bravo, they're known for showing critically acclaimed films. Wait, what? A bunch of women and open-for-assumption-about-their-gender persons designing clothes? Well why the fuck would I want to watch that? What's on E? Oh god, Ryan Seacrest.

The Scarlet Letter: An Insomniac's Best Friend

RyanCE though The Crucible was bad? Yeah? Did he ever have to read The Scarlet Letter? Apparently not.

Take the boredom of The Crucible and multiply it by whatever extreme you want and there you have The Scarlet Letter. How is this so well regarded? Hawthorne's magnificent work is 400 pages of a whore who cheats on her husband, has a kid, is ridiculed, and refuses to name its father. Jesus Christ, was everyone in the 17th century retarded? Did we need 400 pages of confusing 17th century dialogue and inaction? I can see this book being relevant and a good read when it was released, but why is it forced on us now? Are our teachers trying to teach us the morals of guilt, repentence, and to not sin? Well holy fuck, I better not ever cheat on my wife, I don't want to to wear a fucking red letter.

It's sad to say, but at least The Scarlet Letter is a little more interesting than The Crucible. It's just so pretentious, though, and stretched over 400 long and boring pages of dialogue that makes me long for Shakespeare's prose. This book's about adultery, guilt, revenge, and repent, shouldn't there be some fucking action? Did anyone in the 1600's do anything except talk? Hester's 'Scarlet Letter' is just a fucking A stitched onto her shirt, why doesn't she just rip it off and move away from her idiotic town that has her wear it? 'Roger Chillingworth' is just Hester's husband in disguise, she doesn't recognize anything about him? And his name doesn't tip her off? That's like Edmond in The Count of Monte Cristo coming back to Mersaille with the name Joseph McBadintentions.

Jesus Christ, I feel for you if you've had to read it or have to soon. If you think you're going to try and get off easy and watch a movie adaptation, haha, are you in for a fucking surprise. They're all terrible and the one with Demi Moore contains an awkward sex scene that'll make you feel like a pervert having to watch it with a class.

Drive-Thru review

I realize I've yet to review a serious movie yet, but the time will come, kid. The time will come. But right here and now I present a review of a movie heavily favored to sweep the Academy Awards this year, a piece of Americana known as Drive-Thru.

Holy shit, what a piece of shit. I'm not kidding, this is a movie you can imagine that has a director who had to choose between either this, porn, or getting a real job. The 'plot', if it can actually be called that, is like a heavily raped Nightmare on Elm Street, only with a retard instead of a molestor. The killer returns to extract revenge on the children of those who killed him, and like every supernatural vengeful murderer, he feels the need to dress in an elaborate costume, and apparently found the time to sculpt a clown outfit you can picture a smelly kid who listens to ICP and has an overweight girlfriend wearing.

The main character is a free-spirit, pot smoking psuedo-'goth' chick that's likely the director or writer's poor attempt at making some left wing social comment, but one I don't give any semblance of a shit about because it's out of place. The supporting characters are all idiots who die idiotically and implausibly, and dare I say deserve it anyway. The killer never shuts the fuck up, and everytime someone is killed random hardcore metal starts blaring, which I thought was kind of cool at first but then started to annoy me. The 'boyfriend' character makes no fucking sense, either, and the ending of the movie is more confusing than the ethnicities of Angelina Jolie's children.

I realize the movie is supposed to be more parody than horror but does every 8/10 horror movies have to be poorly done and cliched parodies? The fire breathing special effect at the end looked like something anyone with a computer and access to early 90's graphics could make, and the death scenes were more drawn out than a Jay Leno monologue. I don't see what's supposed to be so scary about clowns, but certainly this clown, dressed like the lovechild of early Marilyn Manson and Ace Frehley, wouldn't strike fear in anyone but the stupidest of teenagers. The movie follows every cliche in the book, including a twist no one cares about, and an inept cop that at least serves for some comedy value. The acting quality is matched only by the sense of the plot, and only about 6 minutes of the actual movie even takes place at a 'drive thru.' The rest of the time, we're treated to Misunderstood Teen Main Character and her dipshit friends trying to unravel a mystery even Scooby Doo wouldn't give a shit about.

Overall I liked this film.

Opinions That Don't Matter Volume 1: The 2008 Presidential Race

And now for the first edition of a little piece we call Opinions That Don't Matter, because they don't. Why not start off strong with a very important subject, the 2008 presidential campaign?

Let me start out by saying that I'm not registered to vote, nor do I have a particular political party affiliation; nor am I heavy into politics, which is why this is just a mere perspective article on an everyman's view of the election. If I'd describe myself, I'd merely say that I have no party, though I lean slightly to the left. Most of my family is randomly Independents and Republicans though, despite me living in Massachusetts. Anyway, if you follow any type of news, you'd know that this presidential election is historic for a number of reasons, the primary being it's the first time that not only a woman, but an African American man are strong candidates for the presidency.

First, let's start with ol' Hil herself. I generally thought, at first and perhaps ignorantly, that Hillary Clinton's presidential bid would quickly fall flat because she's a woman. However, here we are in early February of 2008, and she's the Democratic frontrunner, alongside Barack Obama. It'd be extremely shortchanging her to claim that a lot of her popularity comes from her husband, Slick Willy, but there's just something about her that doesn't seem 'right' to me. She tries to say the right things and carry herself well, but there's something that just doesn't feel genuine when she speaks. I know what you're thinking, "no shit, she's a politician," but it's just something about her demeanor. She's criticized frequently, but don't dissuade the fact that she's (obviously) intelligent and actually knows how the White House is run, having been there for 8 years. The argument can be made that her experience as First Lady is irrelevant, and it'd be a very good argument. Hillary doesn't strike me as exceedingly liberal, for one reason or another, and so she feels like a medium between McCain and Obama. Critics have John Kerry'd her on some topics, saying she 'flip flops' depending on her audience, though it's not as bad a criticism as Mitt Romney received. Regardless, the race for the democratic nomination will be a tight one, indeed.

That leads me to Barack Obama, the only opponent for Clinton in the Democratic party (have you ever even heard of Mike Gravel? I didn't think so.) Young and charismatic, Obama's written off by detractor's for not having enough 'experience,' and that's his main flaw. In Politician Years™ (kind of like dog years), he's a young man, so that may put off older voters who value experience. His policies lean very much towards liberal America, which I think is a big plus going his way. The war overseas right now is sort of like a less dramatic Vietnam, in a sense that there's heavy protesting here in America for the withdrawal of US forces from middle eastern countries. His youth and liberal-ness appeal towards the younger generation of voters, whom I generally always picture as stereotypically hippie-like college students with Che Guevera t-shirts and extreme liberal views. Joking aside, it's not like that's Obama's only appeal. I think that any presidential hopeful that has managed to make it this far would make a good 'leader' for the country, or else they wouldn't still be in the running. Obama's ethnicity isn't even that big of a deal, as we're in a time period where one's race or skin color thankfully makes no difference in the long run, though I still, sadly, think that Hillary will attract women voters and Barack will attract black voters just because they represent them. I don't think that's 'necessarily' a bad thing, but it's likely going to be the less-informed or serious voters that go utilize such a method.

From the youngest candidate to the oldest, there's John McCain of the Republican party. The frontrunner for said party, McCain may be the most well respected of the candidates, and it's certainly not without reason. Many say his age - 71 - is a bit of a detriment, but I honestly don't think it is. McCain may be the hardest 'right wing' candidate in this thing, as his views on war, abortion, and stem cell research have shown. I hate to be going with such general classifications, but I think this old school Republican stodginess dissuades young America, who are looking for a change from a Republican cabinet and a 'changing of the guard', so to speak, from the now-legendary anti-Bush movement. But McCain isn't George W. Bush; that being said, I give him a very strong chance in this election.

Then there's Mike Huckabee. If you asked me a week ago what I thought about Huckabee, I'd say that in a few week's time, he'd probably be out of the race and the Republican party would be a battle between McCain and Mitt Romney. Now that Romney's gone, though, Huckabee's seemingly found new life and going relatively strong, though McCain still has the edge. Huckabee's a funny guy, really. How many other presidential candidates would do ads with and appear with the support of the internet meme known as Chuck Norris? Or appear on Late Night with Conan O'Brien in a comedy skit? While it shows that he has a sense of humor and probably will make some younger voters say "Hey, this guy's cool," the majority of voters aren't young. They're bitter old people who have no sense of humor, and that'll make them think Huckabee's not serious and not worthy of their vote, regardless of his policies.

Finally, the internet darling, Ron Paul. When Ron Paul talks about something, he feels genuine and makes sense to me, though you know as well as I do he has no chance in hell of winning this thing. He may be popular amongst the internet, but that's pretty much as far as his influence reaches. The only reason I think he's staying in this election is that it's costing him nothing, as he raises more campaign money than any other candidate, and it gives him a platform to try and get his views and message across. He knows he's not going to win, but I don't think that dissuades him.

I'm not going to touch of any of the obscure parties or nominees, because it's not like they have much of a chance anyway. Instead, I'll just offer my brief opinions on a number of topics that have become important topics of debate in this election. First, same sex marriage. I personally don't support, but I don't 'un-support' it. If a gay man wants to marry a gay man, who cares? Let him and shut up, I couldn't care less if they did or not. The main debate around this topic comes from religious beliefs, but that's a rant for another time. My main view, though, is why is this so important in choosing the leader of our country? Why is it such a hot topic of debate in that it could potentially influence who someone votes for? It's not that serious of a matter, but for some reason people have made it out to be.

The war in Iraq; obviously one of the, if not the absolute, important issues. Not to offend, but when I think 'Republican,' I think of a strict old plantation owner named Peyton who talks like Foghorn Leghorn. Hey, that's just what's ingrained in my head. That's the type of people I visualize as supporting the war; that and random Southerners, for some reason. There's a lot of points for staying in the middle east, and a lot of points against it. Personally, I think that whomever is elected president will keep armed forces over there, at least for the time being, no matter what they say their policy on it will be. I do think that there will be a withdrawal within the next year or two, but I don't see someone like Obama being elected and miraculously putting an end to that conflict.

My prediction? There are still many debates to come, anything can happen. Still, I think Barack Obama narrowly edges out Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination, selects Clinton or John Edwards as his running mate, and the race is between he and John McCain, with his vice president Mitt Romney. Obama then wins the election, if only because most of America doesn't want another term of the Republican party in office. Of course this has a strong chance of being shit wrong.